Originally the title of this post was to be “Dreams Do Not Come True,” but for some reason this simple sentence that Jay-Z yelled to thousands of fans at AT&T Park last Tuesday has stuck with me and has puzzled me for the last few days.
(As a side note, the On The Run tour was pretty fantastic. It was super loud, and there were times when I thought the upper balcony of seats we were sitting on was going to fall down because everyone was jumping so much. Jay-Z was also surprisingly and unashamedly Illuminati which made me feel awkward and ashamed at being there, but I did like the ending of the concert where they displayed videos of their family life and ended with “This Is Real Life.”)
So, as I assumed and dreaded, I didn’t get into the BSJ trainee program. I didn’t hear back from them, but everyone else did, which means that I didn’t get in. It’s humbling and humiliating to realize that you are the only one who didn’t make it, and makes me question again what it is that I lack – am I too old? Not flexible enough, not artistic enough, not athletic enough, not what enough? Just not good enough? I guess so.
This last week has been a trying week, yo-yoing back and forth between trying to convince myself that I will be okay with another career and trying to figure out some other way that I can make this dream work. I don’t want to shut the door on my dreams just yet but is it worth the effort to struggle to keep that door open? Or will I be happier just pursuing something else right now?
I could draw out this open-door-close-door metaphor more, I suppose, but I think that would be pushing it too far.
It’s never a good feeling to see your dreams die before your very eyes. It hurts, a lot. I’ve been hiding at home mostly, but it is good to go out and be with friends and laugh and forget for a little bit. I hate going to sleep because the hour in the morning where I remember again is the worst. Then I eat breakfast and drink coffee and things get a little better. Ah, coffee. My best friend.
So, it’s back to basics again, the same old fears and troubles of trying to figure out where I should go and what I should do with my life. Which, I guess, is just part of growing up.
I just really, really don’t want to get fat. Haha.