I’ve had hope on my mind for the last few days. I’ve also had the song Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional stuck in my head for the same amount of time, which makes me feel like I’m in middle school again. (Also, it reminds me of Spider-man which reminds me that the new Spider-man movie is coming out… yay for summer action and super hero movies that aren’t terribly thought provoking or good but nevertheless an important activity for summer)
There are tons of Bible verses that come to mind when I think about hope. “But if we hope for what we do not see, we with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.” “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.” “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast…” and many, many more.
The reason I’ve had Vindicated stuck in my head is because the first line goes – “Hope… dangles like a string…” and on and on it goes in all its angsty rock glory.
And the Emily Dickinson poem – “And sweetest in the Gale is heard / And sore must be the storm / That could abash the little bird / That kept so many warm.” (I am an Emily Dickinson fan.)
With all these thoughts of hope floating around in my head, I’m confused as to whether or not I have hope or if I’m hopeless. Am I hopeless, as in a hopeless cause, as in I will never, ever become a professional dancer? Or am I hopeless, as in I’m not thinking positively enough, as in I’m becoming my own worst enemy?
English is confusing sometimes.
It’s hard not being born with the perfect ballet body. It really, really is. I wish I could have better feet.
I wish my back were more flexible so I could have a higher arabesque.
I wish I had a natural center so I could do a bajillion turns.
These are things I hope for… and am trying to work towards.. and be patient for. But what if they just never come? What if I’m just stuck at where I am right now? What if I am simply too old? Darn puberty and my wide hips. What if I am hopeless?
These negative thoughts make me feel rather hopeless.
But I’m trying to have hope. There are only five more weeks left in the semester – and the last few are going to be rehearsal weeks for our end of the year performance – time to give it all I’ve got and somehow pull out the inspiration from somewhere.
I need to constantly remind myself that I have a “hope stronger and nothing compares.”