What, another blog post so soon? I know, very atypical of me.. but I have reached an important milestone! Less than 10 days until Spring Break! Almost less than one week! Hallelujah!
I know I sound unreasonably excited for Spring Break, but to be perfectly honest I am tired and burnt out from ballet. There are still moments that I love it – the rehearsals, the work, the soreness and tiredness – but for the most part I am just so ready for a break. We really haven’t had any breaks since January, and I can feel the general mood of my class just going down and down. It is a day to day struggle. This makes it sound pretty dramatic, which it really isn’t. Okay, maybe it is sometimes. But the reality is, that this is reality. This is what dancing professionally will be like. (I think. I haven’t had any experience with the professional world so I wouldn’t really know. That’s what this summer will lead into, hopefully…!!)
I realized the other day that I haven’t felt like I’ve been dancing on a completely healed, completely ready body in a long, long time. But then when I started to make excuses for myself by saying, “Oh, it’s because my calves are sore – normally I could do better” – I also realized that I can’t make too many excuses for myself even while achy and sore. I may not ever be at 100%, but if I practice and try to perfect my technique while not at 100% then how much better and easier will it be when I do feel better? (To be honest, probably not that much better because technique will never be perfect, but you get the point.)
It’s still tough. I tell myself every morning to work hard, to focus, to do my best – and within five minutes I feel lazy and start to drag my feet, literally. And then I try to snap out of it, seeing how my peers around me are improving and I am not, and I will not if I don’t start snapping out of it.
And then I do. Or at least, I try to. But sometimes the body just doesn’t respond – which is why a break is going to be very welcome.
But all this is still worth it. I still believe it is, and my fingers are crossed for the summer and the plans after that. I don’t know where I will be come September – again, uncertainty is the word to describe my future, just like it was a year ago. (#THROWBACKTHURSDAY, everyone.) I keep praying the same prayers over and over again – to be a ballerina. To dance professionally. To be able to see doors open. But isn’t that a pretty selfish prayer? It is even to me, and it’s one of my deepest desires. How to align this desire with those of God, or to even give up these dreams for those of God – that is where my prayers turn to after I realize how selfish I am.
I had the opportunity to watch Lines Ballet perform two Saturdays ago, and it was so beautiful I almost cried. They moved so gracefully, yet with power and control in every inch of muscle. Even though they were dancing contemporary ballet with contemporary movement and lines, you could tell that they were still paying attention to their technique and taking care of their technique so carefully. I love that. When you can see the intersection of technique and artistry – that is where the beauty lies.
I want to do that. But I think I still have a long, long way to go… there are no miracles in ballet, as my teacher likes to tell us. No miracles. Just hard work, and some luck.
And tomorrow is another day! One more day to work hard, one more day closer to Spring Break…