This past weekend while I was in LA, I was encouraged by my friends to vlog as practice in video editing. I definitely did not record as much as I probably should have, because it felt awkward to talk and record at the same time, and then I felt self conscious that all my video clips look the same. And also because I’m short my field of vision is pretty limited. But anyways, here it is in all its embarrassing glory – my attempt at a vlog!
Since I’ve been out of school and been attempting to work on my own things I’ve realized that I’m really good at not doing things I don’t want to do. This has been the case since I was younger (ever since I infamously decided to not do a school project because it would cut into my time doing things that I actually wanted to do). The imposter syndrome feelings of May turned into more lethargy and incompetence feelings in June and although June isn’t quite over yet I’m ready to label this as, so far, the most emotionally tiring month of 2018. I think it’s because I’ve had too much time by myself to think and be introspective. If you know me, you will know that I hate feelings. I really do. I am often physically incapable of opening my mouth to say how I feel, but that requires first knowing how I feel, which is a mystery a lot of the time to everyone including me.
But unfortunately I am not a robot and I have feelings that I need to deal with in productive ways, because if I’m going to have feelings then I might as well do something about them. I like being a productive person. Lately the biggest feeling that I’ve had is that I’m not making progress and I am stuck. I came up with a bunch of metaphors for my life the other night. Like: I’m rowing and rowing in a big ocean and there is no land in sight and no stars in the sky to guide me (cue Moana). Or there is a big wall in the way and there is no door and I have to keep looking for the tiny door covered by ivy (cue Secret Garden or even Prince Caspian). Or there is a giant roadblock in the way and I have to keep throwing tomatoes at the roadblock to knock it down but it doesn’t seem to be coming down. Like writer’s block, but worse, because it’s life block.
In all these metaphors and situations, though, the thing that I keep coming back to is that maybe it’s not that I need to try harder, but I need to try smarter. Is there a more strategic way that I can find that door? Or in other words, is there a way I can achieve the same results but by working less because it’s really tiring to try this much?
These feelings generally apply to career but also applies to most of the other areas of my life too. Like relationships. And probably spiritual maturity too. And cooking and being domestic. But already I feel like although I haven’t been making much progress, at least I am making some progress (like writing this post and actually talking to people). Yay for sharing feelings. One step in front of the other, right? Right.