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For some reason, this past month has seemed like it has been incredibly, incredibly long. It’s not even August yet! I’ve already posted four times this month!

One year ago at this time, I was in the last week of the Ballet San Jose summer intensive. One year ago at this time plus one week, I saw my carefully and precariously constructed dreams and projected timeline of achievements get uprooted. I know I mention this often, but I guess I haven’t fully recovered from that. On my commute this morning I had way too much time to think and I realized – I guess I did give up. I guess that’s one small step in figuring out why things happened the way they happened. Last Sunday the guest pastor at church mentioned something along these lines but I don’t think I was paying a lot of attention so I don’t quite remember what came after that… something about how Lolo Jones, how she kept questioning why she had tripped over the last hurdle in her Olympic race when she had been the favorite to win. And then she went on to win gold with the luge team in the winter Olympics. I don’t remember how it relates to God, though, which is probably the more important part.

Something about knowing what you are called to and what you pursue, and not being distracted about inadequacies and keeping focused. In the highest sense, this means “knowing that I am called to be a follower of Christ above all” but does this apply to laymen life as well? Knowing what I am called to, and pursuing it without distraction. This is similar to what we at small groups have been reading in the book of Nehemiah, and his dedication to rebuilding the wall.

I ask myself sometimes if I should go see a therapist or find someone to talk to about my incapability to convince myself that it doesn’t really matter what my career path is, or what industry I am working in, or whether I’m doing something that I love. That God is what matters, and that following the path that He sets for me and loving Him is my highest calling. But then I feel like having someone talk me through that seems a little bit like I’m asking them to help brainwash me into thinking these things. Like repeating a mantra over and over just to make myself believe in it. I’d rather have a change of heart. I’d rather have the strength to convince myself of what is true.