Well, here we go – the last week of my first year at Joffrey Ballet School is drawing closer and closer and I am feeling a combination of relief that rehearsals will soon be over, excitement to perform, sadness that this may be my one and only year here in New York, fear that I didn’t learn anything, and exhaustion. (Last night I tried to watch X-Men 2 on TV but fell asleep after the first 30 minutes.)
It’s been a great year. Tons of ups and downs (as usual, and as it should be) and I am so grateful for all the experiences and the joys and the sorrows. I’ve already had to say a few goodbyes, which were already hard, and am not looking forward to more of them… but I guess it’ll just be something I have to do. That’s my motto for most of life, I realized…
And now, for a backstory interlude! My mom likes to tell this story, about me in fourth grade (? I think so… or sometime in elementary school. I’m guessing fourth grade because that was when I had the toughest and realest teacher I ever had who told me that although I was smart and way ahead of people then, if I didn’t start working harder everyone would catch up to me and I would fall behind. That really scared me). There was this project I had to do, about the Olympics, and I conveniently forgot to tell my parents that I had to do the project – until a few days before, when my mom somehow found out that I had this big project due soon and I hadn’t even started it yet. “Why didn’t you do it yet?” she scolded me. “Because I didn’t want to do it… and if I did the things I didn’t want to do then I wouldn’t have time to do the things I want to do so I’d rather do the things I want to do first.” I answered.
Clearly the signs of a not very mature mind. And from then I would like to say I learned that there are such things as responsibility and sacrifice and etc, etc… but I did not. I continued to be a very lazy student for the most part (haha.) But as I’ve grown up I have realized this – that you do have to do the things you don’t want to do. And when it comes to it, you just do it. With minimal complaining and griping, ideally.
Perhaps even my pursuit of dance at this moment is another example of doing the things I want to do first before settling down to do the things I have to do.
Before I move out of my apartment at the end of June there are still several things I have to do, including the goodbyes – actually moving out being one of them. I am so, so, so not looking forward to that. I hate moving. I despised it at the end of senior year because I am a hoarder and hate the thought of throwing things away. (My old roommate at this time would probably say something like, “Ashley!! WHY?!?!?!?” because she is basically my second mom and extremely practical and I miss having her presence in my life to tell me not to do things like take naps on the couch before going to bed. Which is what I do. I know. It doesn’t make sense.) What’s worse is the thought of having to sell things and pray that someone will buy my furniture so that I’m not wasting this good furniture… I finally created listings on eBay and Craigslist over this past week and have already sold a few things! Small things, like my clothes rack (my mattress and sofa being the main things I need to sell so that I won’t feel bad) but it still gives me hope.
For the packing part, I will wait until after the shows are over to worry about that. The thought of packing still gives me nightmares though – like actual literal ones, where I am constantly late to things and people go missing and I find myself in situations I don’t want to be in. In the past I always end up pushing packing to the last moment and get really stressed and end up half packing, then stress out and frustrated and stop halfway through. But I don’t want that to happen this time! I will be responsible and start packing right after the shows are done! Wish me luck. It is very possible that I will still get frustrated and stop halfway through. But I can hope for the best, right?