I am on a mission.
It’s not a very epic mission, but one that I hope can be accomplished soon, at least. I am on a mission to use up my H&M gift card before I forget about it and leave it in some drawer and waste the money that is on it. It shouldn’t be too hard, right? I’ve become a Pinterest-browser, scrolling through pages and pages of “street style” outfits, and I’ve got lots of outfit ideas that I wish I could try. For the most part I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to pull it off. Also I don’t like wearing high heels and these photos always have the women wearing heels. I hate wearing heels. Who wears heels on a regular basis, anyways? But the list of apparel I want to try keeps growing and growing: boyfriend jeans, leather shorts, sweater tights, over-sized sweaters, white blouses, boxy tops, chino pants… and the list goes on and on.
I can never find what I like at H&M, though. Like today I went to try and find a thick, plaid scarf and I couldn’t find one I liked at H&M but I found one I liked at Forever21. That happened with the faux leather leggings, too. I have a problem.
Today, I was at Anthropologie browsing their sale section and my eye caught the title of a book – something about “don’t think about where it will go!” in reference to buying things for your home – and I was again reminded of the danger of being caught in the buzz of the Anthropologie life. (It also reminded me of this Amazon review of the Kinfolk cookbook.) I spent a lot of time during the summer cleaning out my closet and recently cleaned out my room, trying to rid myself of lots of knick-knacks and things that I’ve picked up over the years and try to tell myself over and over again that I will stop adding to my life. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Isn’t that what everyone always says?
And yet as I see more photos of women effortlessly pulling off the camel-dark-denim-white combo of the fall season with the perfect tote bag, I can’t help but want more. And I don’t even have the paycheck to support it. I wish that I lived in a world where having gifts that were beautifully wrapped and decorated actually mattered. I wish there was a space where one could own all the washi tape in the world. I wish there was an endless hallway that my closet fed into so I could have every type of denim in every type of wash to coordinate with tops of all fits and colors.
I wish that I could also say that “classic never goes out of style” and prevent myself from buying things because they are trendy and stick with the classics I already have and wear year after year, but really, does that stop J.Crew from coming out with newer editions of their linen tees?
I guess I am frustrated with my tendency to fall into such worldly matters. There’s a group of girls at my church who created this second-hand clothing website company where they resell thrifted clothes and donate the proceeds to the charity my church is linked with, and it seems so Godly and holy and good. I am not good. I am inherently selfish and want to put on the best self-appearance I can. And if that means constantly visiting stores until I can find the perfect boyfriend jeans then that means I will. (Not really, because after a while I’m going to decide it’s not worth it anymore.)
I also guess that this is related to why I am so desperate to find a “cool job.” One in the arts, in the entertainment industry, on movie sets, in retail. Something that sounds cool, is cool, is glamorous and fashionable. Anything but analyst math computer science data reports business sales corporate.
I am stuck between not wanting to do what I supposedly “should be good at” and not knowing how to pursue what I want. And at this fork in the road of divergent paths, neither path is clear. Will I even be happy going down the path of what I think is cool? Or will it disappoint as much as the Anthropologie life does, when the shabby chic curtains are pulled aside?
I have absolutely no idea, and it’s pretty scary.