On Saturday, I had a very suburban day and cleaned my house and baked cookies.
Then I went to a birthday party and a bar in San Francisco and felt like a totally different person. My friend asked me why I lived so far away from the city and whether or not it was boring. My response was that I liked the quiet and not having to worry about parking.
This past week, I had recurring feelings of unworthiness. Over the holidays, I thought I had gotten used to telling people that I was a) unemployed, b) not really working for work but kind of looking for work because c) oh yeah, I’m in grad school, it was sort of part time but now kind of sort of transitioning to being a full time student. I officially registered for three classes, one of which is in person, and I think I mentally resigned myself to not getting any of the full-time jobs I applied for. Then, because I’m still in my long winter break and have two more weeks left of doing nothing (since I’m not aiming to work full time between now and May, I guess) I felt like an non-contributing member of society. Then having to interact with people again over the past two weekends and repeat once again, oh yeah, I left my job right before the holidays, I’m taking some time off, and yeah the break’s been really good! And every time I just feel like changing the subject. If I really think about it, I am excited for school to start and I am excited to change careers, but the in between and the transition period is such a drag. And it makes me feel unworthy.
Of course I know that I am not judged on my career or how much money I make, but it’s been hard to remember that – and I should really take advantage of the fact that I have so much free time now, before I get too busy and long for days like these. The grass is always greener on the other side, right?